Battle of Gods abridged
by withheldforprivacy
Summary: Yaay, i love candies


Universe 7 has been a peaceful place for the last 6 years since Goku defeated Kid Buu. And it would

have remained that way forever if Akira Toriyanma hadn't got jealous of Salagir's Dragonball Multiverse,

thus deciding to start beating again the dead horse his original creation is.

In the Haikashin's planet's palace, the mighty God of Destruction awakens, after a slumber that lasted

slightly longer than an average chess match.

-''Greetings, Lord Beerus'' Whiss, his servant, says in his stoic smile. ''You woke up early this time. It's

not even 40 years. Shall i assume that has something to do with Super Saiyan God?''

-''Super what?'' the purle cat god asks, scratching his freshly awoken body.

-''You know, the one the oracle fish was talking about in its prophecy'' Whiss responds. ''Or, at least,

that's what it would have done if you had not eaten it before it could speak''.

-''Oh, come on, Whiss'' Beerus moans. ''It was delicious. If you were a fish, wouldn't you feel the need

to fulfill your purpose in life by being roasted and seasoned with some fine mayonesse?''

-''Well, the oracle fish didn't seem really delighted when you forced it to fulfill its purpose in life'' Whiss

comments.

-''Thanks for the lecture, grandma'' Beerus mocks him, dropping his thin body on a chair. ''Now, tell me,

what this Super Saiyan God is. Is it something i can eat?''

-''No, unless you have dramatically changed your culinary preferences'' the blue servant answers. ''But, it

is something you can fight with''.

An excited Beerus stands up:

-''YAY, FIGHTING. Food and fights are the two greatest joys in life''.

-''What about sex?'' Whiss asks.

-''Huh? What is sex?'' a baffled Beerus asks.

-''You know'' Whiss explains. ''When a man and a woman love each other very much... well, come to think

of it, it doesn't have to be a man and a woman...''

-''OH, FORGET IT'' the god loses his patience. ''Just show me where i can find that Super Saiyan God guy''.

Whiss shows him his crystal ball in the tip of his rod. An image starts forming. The image of a blonde warrior

with blue eyes.

-''PIIIZZZAAAAAA'' an eerie voice is heard.

The image fades.

-''Take me to that guy'' Beerus asks Whiss.

-''Hey, can we be in this movie too?'' a kid's voice is heard.

The two deities turn and see three kids: a little girl, a dog cub in ninja uniform and... a blue creature that

nobody knows what species it belongs to.

-''NO'' Beerus and Whiss yell in unison.

* * *

All the DBZ gang is gathered on a cruise ship.

-''Mom, why are we here?'' Goten asks. ''Is it because of miss Bulma's birthday?''

Chichi sighs.

-''No, Goten'' she sarcastically responds. ''It's because some superior force who is writing the stories of

our lives unbeknownst to us gathered us all here as a plot device for some unexpected situation to come

up''.

Goten thinks about it for a while. Finally, he says:

-''I think you're lying, AHAHAHAHA''

-''Like father's brains, like son's'' Chichi whispers, rolling her eyes. ''I must take him to a brothel one of these

days''.

Next moment, she realizes that Goku isn't here yet. But she's sure he will come. She threatened him. She scared

him to death. He can't be that forgetful!

* * *

At Kai's planet, Goku suddenly stops punching and kicking air.

-''I have a feeling i have forgotten something'' he says.

-''Maybe i should remind him of the party Chichi threatened him with heavy penalties in case he doesn't go''

King Kai says, in his head. ''Nah! I'm a bad, bad Kai, he he he''.

-''No, Goku, you haven't forgotten anything'' he says out loud.

Goku shrugs, ready to resume his training, when Beerus and Whiss appear. King Kai is freaked out.

-''Greetings, Saiyan'' Beerus says.

-''Hey, purple kitty. Hey, blue skinned weirdo'' Goku greets them casually and resumes his training.

-''GOKU'' Kai screams and runs towards the trio.

-''Please, lord Beerus, forgive him, he's just mentally retarded, he needs medicines'' he desperately says.

-''Oh, thanks for your kind words, king Kai'' Goku says, not having really understood anything.

-''Please, Lord Beerus, don't destroy us'' Kai keeps trying.

-''SHUT UP'' Beerus shuts him up (wow, i'm so creative with words).

He turns to Goku:

-''So, you're the Saiyan who defeated Freeza''.

-''Ahh, Freeza, what memories'' Goku thinks. ''It's a good thing to know he'll never come back to life by some

highly improbable means, having achieved a power level that matches mine, by some even more improbable

means''.

-''Judging from the power you emit, i can't say that you would be able to beat Freeza as you are now'' Beerus

keeps commenting.

-''You're right'' Goku jollily replies. ''Without transforming, there is no way i can hope to beat Freeza''.

Then, he ponders it for a moment. He turns to King Kai:

-''Hey, wait a minute. Didn't my son and Trunks, who are both a lot weaker than me, fight Eighteen without

transforming?''

-''How do you know about that scene where you weren't present?'' Kai asks.

-''I read the manga'' Goku answers.

-''Which is what Akira Toriyanma should have done before making this movie'' Kai comments.

-''But, i thought he did'' Goku protests.

-''My ass'' Kai answers.

-''Err hem'' Beerus interrupts them. ''Guys, god of destruction here''.

Kai gulps, Goku not changing his expression.

-''So, are you Super Saiyan God?'' Beerus asks.

-''Dunno'' Goku curiously answers.

He transforms into a Super Saiyan.

-''Is this Super Saiyan God?'' he asks.

Beerus looks at Whiss, looking for confirmation. The blue homo shakes his head negatively.

Beerus turns back to Goku:

-''No, it isn't''.

Goku raises to Super Saiyan 2.

-''Is this Super Saiyan God?'' the retarded Saiyan asks.

Once more, Whiss shakes his head negatively. Goku goes Super Saiyan 3.

-''Is this Super Saiyan God?'' he asks.

-''No, but it's a cool hairstyle'' Whiss exclaims in a gayish voice.

-''So, what does a Super Saiyan God look like after all?'' Beerus impatiently yells.

-''Last time i checked, when the first one appeared, thousands of years ago, he had a red aura''

Whiss answers.

-''OH, why didn't you say so in the first place?'' Goku exclaims in enthusiasm.

He goes back to base, yells ''KAIOKEN'' and gets surrounded by a red aura.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in Hell..._

-''Hey, Cell, something has been bugging me'' Freeza asks. ''Why didn't you use kaioken against

Gohan at Cell Games? You could have obliterated him!''.

-''Kaio wha... SHIT, I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN I HAD THAT ONE!''

* * *

-''So, is this Super Saiyan God?'' an excited Goku asks.

Beerus sighs. Next moment, he has knocked Goku unconscious with a hit on the belly. He turns to

Whiss.

-''Let's go to investigate on Earth'' he commands.

They vanish.

-''Hey, can we be in this movie?'' a kid's voice asks.

King Kai turns and sees the same three kids from before.

-''NO'' he yells.

* * *

On Earth, Beerus and Whiss became friends with Goku's crew and are now enjoying the party.

Beerus spots Fat Buu sitting on a chair in front of a table. On the table, there is a plate full of white

cream.

-''Is this pudding?'' Beerus asks.

-''Pudding, yaay'' Buu answers.

Beerus takes a spoon and tries the white content.

-''Hmm, not bad, not bad'' he comments.

Mr Satan spots the scene (next to Mr Satan, we can see Chaozu, oblivious to everything, holding his

walkman and listening to Ariana Grande's song, ''Problem'').

-''What is he doing?'' the mma champion thinks. ''That is the white stuff Buu produces when he gets locked

in the bathroom with his porn magazines''.

-''Tee hee hee'' Buu laughs.

-''What's so funny?'' a baffled Beerus asks.

-''This is no pudding'' Buu answers.

-''WHAT?'' the god yells. ''You lied to ME, LORD BEERUS? YOU ARE ALL DEAD''.

* * *

Goku has recovered.

-''Wow, that Beerus guy is really something'' he thinks. ''Even if Vegeta and i fuse and unlock some hypothetical

transformation with blue hair and use a 10fold kaioken on the top of it, we'll still be no match for him!''

-''Err, maybe you should go and warn the others not to upset him'' Kai points.

-''Yeah, that's what i should do'' Goku agrees.

A few seconds pass, both Goku and Kai gazing at the horizon.

-''I mean, seriously, that's what i should do. It's a really good idea'' Goku talks again.

More seconds pass, with Goku and Kai gazing at the horizon.

* * *

Beerus has prison bitched everyone.

-''Hmf, you Saiyans are disappointing'' he comments. ''Even Goku, who is the strongest of you, was only a pushover''.

Vegeta gets baffled. Does that statement mean SSJ3 Goku is stronger than Gohan? But, at Buu Saga, it was implied

otherwise.

-''Wait, what about Gohan?'' Vegeta asks.

-''Who the hell is Gohan?'' Beerus asks.

Vegeta facepalms. Meanwhile, Beerus has grabbed Bulma.

-''Come on, prince Vegeta, do something'' he provokes him. ''I could strangle her, you know''.

Vegeta is paralyzed of fear.

-''Heh, i knew it. You're all talk'' Beerus throws Bulma on the floor.

He stands inches away from the trembling Vegeta.

-''You're trully the PRINCESS of all Saiyans'' he laughs. ''Just a little bitch. Like Ariana Grande''.

-''WHAT?'' a scream is heard.

Everybody turns to Chaozu. He seems outraged. He starts talking, breathing heavily:

-''You... you badmouthed... MY ARIAAANAAAAAAA''.

The doll faced ''boy'' attacks the god of destruction, sending him miles away with a punch. Chaozu

flies behind and keeps attacking. Beerus seems defenseless now, while everybody is WTFed.

Finally, Chaozu attacks with an energy charged punch, accompanied by the illusion of a red head

girl (like Goku's special fist was accompanied by a dragon illusion):

-''ARIANA FIST''

However, before the hit can connect, Beerus, blocks and counterattacks, knocking Chaozu unconscious

with a karate chop on the neck. The doll warrior falls in the sea.

-''CHAOZU'' Tenshinhan cries and dives to save him.

Beerus turns to the others. Time to destroy this damned planet.

-''Wait, Beerus Sama'' Goku appears out of nowhere.

* * *

The heroes have summoned Shenron, to ask him about Super Saiyan God.

-''So, you want to know about the Super Saiyan God'' the dragon concludes.

-''Yes. That was in the first line of this paragraph, you genius'' Bulma sighs.

-''You see, my beloved kids, to know about Super Saiyan God, you have to look deep into your souls'' the

dragon continues.

-''What is that supposed to mean?'' Chichi impatiently asks.

The dragon takes a breath for dramatic reasons and begins again:

-''A long time ago, an american boy with a ton of dreams managed to make an illustrious career at singing,

dancing and acting. That boy's name was Elvis Presley''.

Another dramatic breath.

-''SO?'' Eighteen asks.

-''So'' Shenron continues, ''one day, he got bored of all that showbiz stuff, so he disappeared and wasn't seen

for a while. About one year later, he went to Japan, had a plastic surgery, turning himself into a japanese guy,

and changed his name into Akira Toriyanma. Then, he began a new, equally illustrious career at comics and

cartoons''.

-''Why are you telling us all that stuff?'' a desperate Vegeta asks. ''How can we produce a Super Saiyan God?''

-''Dunno, man, maybe all you Saiyans should hold hands forming a circle and give your energy to Goku or something''

Shenron says really fast and disappears next moment.

The Saiyans look at each other. They shrug. They might as well try.

-''Wait'' Videl interrupts them. ''He said all Saiyans. That must mean my baby as well''.

Everybody is WTFed.

-''You're... pregnant?'' Gohan manages to ask.

-''GOHAN'' Chichi scolds him. ''You had sex without a condom?''

-''What is sex?'' Goku innocently asks.

-''I have the same question'' Beerus thinks.

-''I'll explain later, you dumbhead'' Chichi answers her husband.

-''Wait a minute'' it's now Gohan's turn to scold his mother. ''If dad does not know what sex is, how did you give

birth to me and Goten?''

Chichi freezes. She awkwardly laughs.

-''MOM. What have you done?'' Gohan insists.

-''Err... this isn't the right time'' Chichi gets out of this. ''We have to produce a Super Saiyan God, remember? You

know, god of destruction here, threatens to destroy us, he he he''.

* * *

 _Author's note: If you wonder who the father of Chichi's kids are, here is the answer. The father of Gohan is Tullece._

 _The father of Goten is Future Trunks._

* * *

Whoops. During the time it took me to write the last author's note, Goku became a Super Saiyan God, fought Beerus

and lost. Too bad we missed that epic battle. Oh well.

Anyways, right now, Goku is panting, having accepted the end.

-''Wow, you really are the greatest in the universe, Lord Beerus'' he comments.

-''Actually, i am stronger than him'' Whiss corrects him.

-''WHAT?''

-''Yeah, he's my master'' Beerus confirms.

-''So, he is the strongest in the universe?'' Goku asks.

-''I guess'' Beerus shrugs. ''Well, unless that title is retconned again in the future''.

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere, in a red sky, another version of Vegeta (as he was at Saiyans Saga, wearing a scouter)

is floating.

-''Darn, i miss so much the good old days when i was the strongest in the universe, with a power level of 18.000'' he

moans.

* * *

-''Wait a minute'' Krillin points. ''You were stronger than Beerus all this time. You could have stopped him in the first

place. Yet you didn't''.

-''Precisely'' Whiss says in his exasperating stoicness.

-''Asshole''.

-''Well, i'm a kind asshole'' Whiss continues. ''I don't get involved into fights. Things like humans' suffering, deaths,

families' mourning and stuff are too trivial matters for us angels to bother with''.

Beerus extends his arm, ready to fire and destroy the Earth. He seems hesitant. Maybe it's not worth it after all. Maybe

it would be fun to fight that Goku guy again in the future. Suddenly, a kid's voice is heard:

-''Hey, can we be in this movie too?''

It's the same three kids again.

-''NO'' Beerus, Whiss and all Z fighters yell in unison and annihilate the kids with a united blast.

A few moments of awkward silence follow.

-''Okay, bye'' Whiss finally says in fast forward and disappears, along with Beerus.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in a Dan Schneider's universe..._

Sam Puckett and Cat Valentine are chilling on their houses sofa.

-''Hey, Sam, can i ask you a question?'' Cat suddenly says.

-''No'' Sam answers.

However, Cat asks anyway:

-''Since Beerus is a cat and my name is Cat, does that mean i'm as strong as him?''.

-''Yes, Cat'' Sam sighs. ''You're a fucking god of destruction!''

Cat raises her arms, out of joy.

-''YAAY, I'M STRONG'' she cries.

THE END


End file.
